


I am a wreck when I'm without you

by s_bi_derman



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_bi_derman/pseuds/s_bi_derman
Summary: A fix-it for the end of Supernatural. The title is from the song 'Line Without a Hook'- this is my first real fic, hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel
Kudos: 22





	I am a wreck when I'm without you

They’d done it. As Dean woke up it really hit him, they’d defeated capital-g God. Chuck wasn’t writing their story anymore. Strangely that realization held no comfort. The pit in his chest had only been growing larger each day, and now that he didn’t have an enemy to focus it on- Dean cut his thoughts off. 

He had to celebrate this win so Sammy would enjoy it too. He couldn’t afford to focus on his sadness, because he knew where that road would lead to. 

Stumbling into the kitchen, Dean looked up to see Sam making breakfast. The smell of eggs and bacon drifted through the kitchen, providing a welcome distraction from his thoughts.

“You’re already dressed?” Dean asked in disbelief, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Yeah Dean,” Sam rolled his eyes, “Some of us aren’t lazy and don’t sleep til noon.”

“Bitch,” Dean grumbled, grabbing a plate, holding a piece of bacon out for Miracle.

“You’re eating the food I made, jerk.” 

\---

The bunker was quiet the rest of that day, neither of the brothers quite sure what to do next. It could’ve been peaceful. Instead it was a reminder of the gaps in their lives now.

A splintering crash could be heard in the library, followed by a string of curses. Sam and Dean both rushed out of their rooms, weapons ready. As they crept towards the room, they could see a small figure trying to put books back onto the shelves. 

“Jack?” Dean called out, making the figure turn.

“Hi,” Jack lifted a hand in a wave, “what’s up?”

“I- we- thought you were gone?” Sam sounded so painfully happy to see the kid.

“Kid, weren’t you going to be God now or something? Did you forget how to make a PB&J or something,” Dean chuckled.

“Yeah, I did,” Jack looked down, with a kicked puppy look Dean could’ve sworn he’d stolen from Sammy. 

“Aw kid,” Dean said, crossing the room to give Jack a hug.

“Jack, you do know you could’ve come back sooner? We would’ve gladly made you a PB&J anytime you asked,” Sam smiled down at him.

“Thanks,” Jack sniffled just a bit, clearly happy to be back with his family, and Dean was rudely reminded that the kid was really only 3, no matter how old he’d looked when he was born.

\---

They sat in comfortable silence, Jack chewing on his second sandwich, washing the PB&J down with milk that gave him a moustache (as Dean used to tell Sammy a ‘milkstache’). The kid deserved at least a midnight snack, if not a million. After all, he did kill God.

“Dean,” Jack broke the silence, sounding oddly guilty and only continuing after a grunt that affirmed Dean was listening. “What did Cas do to make the Empty collect on its deal?”

Dean’s face went blank. He froze with his hand still petting Miracle. It was practiced, keeping his emotions down while he processed the best way to answer the question. His eyes gave him away though. They were filled with a deep sadness, but it was cut through with what was almost a tinge of fondness, love, but nearly completely covered by the sadness and regret.

“He-,” Dean’s voice broke, clearly about to make something up but deciding against it. Dean thought about how honest Cas had been, how free he’d looked before- he cut those thoughts off. “He said- he said he loved me.”

A silence spread through the room. Dean excused himself, getting up quietly to go, holding the tears back. They didn’t fall until he got to his room. 

\---

The next morning Sam opened Dean’s door quietly. He was stepping quietly, clearly expecting Dean to be asleep. Dean looked up as he walked in, sitting upright on his bed. Miracle was curled next to him, Dean’s hand resting on her fur. Some empty beer bottles surrounded him, and it was clear he hadn’t slept at all.

“Hey Sammy,” Dean smiled, clearly forced, but a sincere attempt.

“You loved him too didn’t you?” Sam decided to jump right into the conversation, knowing he didn’t have long before Dean shut down when it came to feelings.

“Jumping right to it huh Sammy?” Dean chuckled bitterly, only continuing at Sam’s silence, “Yes. Happy now? Of course I did, how could I not? But I couldn’t even tell him. I- he- he died thinking I couldn’t- that I didn’t-”

“We’ll get him back,” Sam promised, sitting down on the bed and slinging an arm over Dean’s shoulders, comforting him as he tried to choke back tears.

\---

“Jack,” Sam called out, knocking on the doorframe as he walked into his room.

“Hi,” Jack smiled as he walked in behind Sam, making him turn around.

“Jack, now that you’re -more or less- God, couldn’t you bring Cas back?” Sam tried not to get his hopes up, but hoping it could be that easy for once.

“I suppose I could try,” Jack looked down as he thought, “I hadn’t thought about it. But I suppose if Chuck had the power to bring angels back from the Empty… now that I have powers I probably could too!”

Sam smiled, watching Jack’s face light up at the prospect of getting his dad back. He thought of Dean’s reaction when he learned Cas had come back and grinned wider.

“Hey Jack,” Sam put his hand on Jack’s shoulder, turning Jack around as he walked away, “be safe. I couldn’t take losing my kid.”

“I’ll be safe Sam,” Jack smiled, “and I’ll get Cas back.”

Sam watched as Jack drifted away, dissolving into his surroundings to get back into heaven. He sighed, and hoped this would work.

\---

Jack bypassed heaven, his improvements were already in place, no need to check in now. He took a few wrong turns but eventually got to the Empty. Or more like the threshold of the Empty. He tried to enter the inky darkness, only to be repelled backwards. Feeling his way into the Empty would be easier, or so Jack thought. He was able to feel where Cas was, but something about the Empty was preventing him from pulling him back from it.

A deep chuckle spread through the Empty, creating ripples in the inky darkness. The voice came from all around Jack, unlike when the Empty had appeared with a body before.

“Like my new defenses, God,” bitterness and contempt coated the word. “Now you and the other powerful beings cannot disturb my sleep with your petty feuds. You seem to forget I am what was here before your ‘creation’ and cannot be destroyed. Now I can rest again, where you cannot disturb me.”

The Empty went silent, the darkness getting deeper, seeming to stretch outwards, towards Jack. The Empty may be sleeping, but that did not mean it did not see.

Jack sent a silent apology to Castiel, before sending himself back to the bunker. He landed with a thud.

\---

“Aah!” Dean jumped up from the table, dark circles under his eyes. He held a gun, which he only lowered after Jack waved hello. Beers were strewn over the table, a partially eaten piece of pie and an untouched burger lying in front of his seat.

“Do you know where Sam is?” Jack tilted his head as he asked, in a way that reminded Dean painfully of Cas, making him wonder when Jack had picked up that trait from his father.

“He’s,” Dean coughed to clear his throat, “he’s in the kitchen. I assume you want a PB&J again? He makes better sandwiches, but you better hurry, I think he’s about to go out to the store.”

“Thanks Dean!” Jack smiled brightly as he raced from the room.

Dean sat down, dropping his gun and smile as he put his arms on the table. Reaching out he traced Cas’ name on the table. Dean just sat there. Trying to train himself to feel nothing. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep all he could hear was Cas’ voice. All he could see was Cas’ face, all he could feel was the burning regret for never letting Cas know how much he loved him.

Dean was still sitting there when Jack and Sam came back. They grabbed books, the only indication they saw him being Sam dropping a hand to Dean’s shoulders as he walked past. Dean didn’t mind being left alone. His mind was a haze, everything feeling half real. His hands had gone numb, his body frozen in the chair. 

Dean’s brain protested, but eventually replaying his last conversation with Cas wasn’t enough. Dean’s head fell forward the rest of the way onto his arms, and he slept for the first time in days.

\---

Dean woke up crying. His dreams had forced him to watch as Cas died over and over again. He was powerless to stop it, couldn’t say all the things he wanted to say. He could only watch as Cas sacrificed himself for Dean’s life.

Dean rubbed the tears from his face, trying to scrub the nightmare from his mind. He sat up in his chair, looking around the room. It was painfully empty, with no one to distract him from his mind. As he got up, Dean used the fork on the plates still in front of him to take a bite of the pie. It tasted bland, but at least now he could say he’d eaten something.

He wandered through the bunker, looking for Sam and Jack. Eventually he heard their voices in the storage room. The one where Cas- Dean cut off his thoughts, instead focusing on the conversation he’d walked into.

“-last place he was. There’s residual energy from it here I can feel it, it’s the easiest place to make a portal,” Jack was gesturing with his hands, eyes bright, clearly proud of his idea.

“But you already said you can’t get through the portal Jack. How are we supposed to get Cas ba-,” Sam cut himself off, finally noticing Dean standing there.

“You’re getting Cas back?” Dean’s voice was raspy from crying, but it held hope like a cup held water.

“We’re trying to,” Sam told him their plan gently, trying not to get Dean’s hopes up too high. “The issue is that the Empty warded itself against Jack and other powerful beings, so he couldn’t just bring Cas back. But-”

“But,” Jack cut Sam off, buzzing with excitement, “if I use some of my power to open a portal for a human,” Jack trailed off as Dean realized the implications of that.

“I’ll go,” Dean volunteered, but his tone left no room for arguments.

“Dean,” Sam began, but Dean cut him off.

“Sammy please, let me do this. I promise I’ll get Cas and get back.”

Sam nodded, though clearly still not happy about it. Jack started opening the portal as Dean grabbed an angel blade, just in case. 

“You’re going to have about 30 minutes to get Cas and get out,” Sam ran through the basis of the situation as Jack strained to puncture a hole in the Empty’s defences. “You should get into the Empty near where Cas will be, but the portal should be easy to find either way.”

“I got it Sammy,” Dean smiled at his brother, “thank you.”

“Be safe Dean. And go get your angel.”

Dean stepped through the portal as Sam said that and turned around to try to stammer a denial, but only saw the tear of the portal behind him. Facing forwards, Dean walked, glancing apprehensively at the dark Emptiness around him.

Dean didn’t know how long it had been until it happened, but he got lucky in his choice of direction. A familiar trenchcoated figure was lying on the ground. Breaking into a run, Dean closed the distance between them, grabbing Cas in his arms. 

“Dean?” Cas looked groggy, like he’d been knocked out since he’d gotten to the Empty.

“It’s me Cas,” Dean smiled at the angel in his arms, wanting to kiss him, but knowing they needed to get out of the Empty soon.

“But how?” Cas was confused, but smiled slightly despite himself.

“Now’s not the time Cas,” Dean winced at his tone towards Cas, he’d just gotten him back and he’s already being awful to the angel. “Believe me, I have some questions too, but we only have about ten minutes to get out.”

Helping Cas to his feet, Dean grabbed his hand and started walking back towards the portal. After a while of walking towards the portal, Cas stopped.

“Dean, what’s the catch?” Cas’ serious tone made Dean turn around, his smile dropping.

“There isn’t one? Cas, we- I- just want you back.”

“Dean,” Cas’ eyes were sober, “if this is a deal of some sort, I assure you I am not worth it. I sacrificed myself for you, and if this is a trade-off-”

“Cas,” Dean looked into his eyes, “this is not a deal, not a trade. Jack found a way to bring you back for real. But you are worth any sacrifice Cas, and I’m sorry I haven’t told you before.” 

Finding Cas’ hand again, Dean squeezed it before pulling him forward towards the portal again. Dean broke into a run, pulling Cas with him, afraid they’d run out of time. The bright orange of the portal cut through the dark background of the Empty. Still holding hands, Dean and Cas tumbled through the portal, skidding on the concrete floor of the storage room.

“It worked!” Jack bounced away from the portal, bounding over to hug Cas.

Cas grunted as his son threw himself at Cas for a hug. Sam followed Jack, waiting until Jack let go of his dad to give Cas a hug too.

“Welcome back Cas,” Sam smiled down at Cas, “we’ll leave you and Dean to catch up for a bit. I have to show Jack how to make a PB&J by himself.”

“But you showed me how to make a PB&J earlier,” Jack protested.

“Well then you get to prove you can make one now,” Sam steered Jack out of the room by his shoulders, waving as he shut the door, “Bye guys!” 

“Uh, so, yeah I guess we should talk?” Dean looked down, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. Cas shifted uncomfortably.

“Dean, I understand if what I admitted makes you uncomfortable-”

“Cas,” Dean interrupted before Cas could continue, “Uh, oh god. Well, Cas I- well I- Iloveyoutoo.”

Cas looked up, startled by the rush of words that had tumbled out of Dean’s mouth. Dean stood awkwardly, shifting on his feet, his eyes searching Cas’ face. Cas stepped forward, cupping Dean’s face in his hands. Dean melted into the touch, his eyes drifting down to Cas’ lips then back up to his eyes. They met in the middle, a sweet kiss, the result of years of pining.

They broke apart, just holding each other, full of their love. 

“Cas,” Dean looked into his eyes, “I love you.”

“I know,” Cas said with a smile.

“Did- did you just Han Solo me?”

“Maybe.”

“That’s it. We’re watching the Star Wars movies,” Dean said, holding his hand out for Cas.

Cas just chuckled and took Dean’s hand as they walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. Sam and Jack looked up from their sandwiches when they entered the kitchen. 

“Finally,” Sam laughed when he saw their linked hands, before letting a soft smile cross his face, “I’m happy for you two.”

Cas mumbled a ‘thanks’, while Dean gave Sam a playful glare and mumbled something sounding quite close to ‘bitch’.

“We should have a movie night,” Dean suggested, “I think we should watch Star Wars.”

“Yes!!” Jack jumped up from his seat, “I love Star Wars! This’ll be so much fun! I’ll get the popcorn!!”

“Well Sammy,” Dean turned towards his brother, “you coming?”

“Alright jerk,” Sam stood, clearing the plates from the table, “I’ll be there in a bit.”

\---

Dean smiled as the opening theme to Star Wars blasted from the tv. Looking around the room, he saw his family. Sam was sprawled across a chair to his right, reaching towards the popcorn on the table. Dean laughed when he slipped from the chair, his arms not being able to reach the bowl.

Cas and Jack shushed him, both identically focused on the opening crawl of words on the screen. He smiled down at Cas, where he was cuddled into his side. Pulling Cas closer he looked to the left at Jack. That was God, absorbed in the world of A New Hope. No, he was their kid, the sweet nerd of a son that they’d adopted. 

Leaning back into the cushions Dean let out a sigh, allowing himself to enjoy the movie, and being with his family.


End file.
